and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
