you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
