I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
