I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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