I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
