I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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