I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
