I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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