we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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