At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
