i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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