I want to make a zoo with you.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
