We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I touched a dick in church today
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
