so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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