her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
