singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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