she woke up with a sticky ear
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
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