Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
