so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
