In the future we'll all be gay
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
