I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
