I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
