Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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