I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
operation have a gay friend backfired
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
