You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
