If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
