You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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