So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
