I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
