yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
