your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
