there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
