Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
