FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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