Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
