I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
