peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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