If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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