On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
