Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
