forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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