sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
