Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
