i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
