if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
