Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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