Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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