I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My life is pants optional.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
