my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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