Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
